New House
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said £ 50.00.
“Why so little,” she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, “Look,
I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it
says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it
home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.” The
woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.”
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, “New
house, new madam, new girls.” The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then
began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman’s husband Alex, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, “Hi Alex”.
Mom Died
A blonde was sitting outside a store on the curb crying..the manager of the store spotted her outside and went outside and asked the blonde whats wrong…she said her mother just died..and the manager said oh I’m sorry.. the blondes cell phone starts to ring and she answers it and says hello..omg! are you serious!.. and she hangs up and the manager asks her who that was and the blonde says…that was my sister…her mom just died too!
Diving Down Deep
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.
The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote, “Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?”
The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, “I’m drowning, you moron!”
Cute Girl
At a church school gathering, one old teacher approached a cute
5-year-old girl and asked her where she got her good looks. “I must a
got ‘em from my Daddy,” said the little girl, “’cause Mommy’s still got hers.”
Correct the sentence
Teacher : Correct the sentence, “A bull and a cow is grazing in the
field”
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : Why?
Student : Ladies first.
Praise the Lord
Every day a woman stood on her porch and shouted, “Praise the Lord!”
And every day the atheist next door yelled back, “There is no Lord!”
One day she prayed, “Lord, I’m hungry. Please send me groceries.”
The next morning she found a big bag of food on the stairs. “Praise the Lord,” she shouted.
“I told you there was no Lord,” her neighbour said, jumping from behind a bush. “I bought those groceries.”
“Praise the Lord,” the woman said. “He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them.”
Find Jesus
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. But, he still manages to ask the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk answers, “Yes,I am.”
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, “Brother have you found Jesus?”
The drunk replies, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.”
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again but for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, “Have you found Jesus, my brother?”
The drunk again answers, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.”
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again — but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.
The preacher asked the drunk again, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?” The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
Crazy Parrots
A lady approaches her priest and tells him “Father, I have a problem. I
have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one
thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some
fun?’”
“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your
problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put
them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the
bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible
phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and
worship.”
“Thank you!” the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house.
His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their
cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and
the female parrots say “Hi we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?”
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put
the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!”
How to Fry Eggs
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
“Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness!”
“You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my!”
“WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK!”
“Careful … CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?”
“Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him. “What’s wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
The husband calmly replied, “I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
ten dollars
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, “Edna, I’d like to ride in that there airplane.” And every year Edna would say, “I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, “Edna, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.” Edna replied, “Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.”
Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Fred, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”
Fred replied, “Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out of the plane, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”